it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
