Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
