somebody snuck up and got me drunk
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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