I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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