Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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