I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
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i drank out of a bidet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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