I smell stomach acid.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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