The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
