Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
