It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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