Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just puked most of my soul out..
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