I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
