I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
