Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I puked a lego.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
