Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
