I checked into jail on foursquare
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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