he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I want a musical about memes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
