my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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