I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
