Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think your dad took our porno
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
