just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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