My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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