I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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