I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
