I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
