If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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