Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
