There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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