They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
