I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
