I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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