birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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