Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
