apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
