I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
