Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
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Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
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Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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