I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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