At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
