After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
