Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
