Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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