Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
pop tarts are not kleenex
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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