I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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