Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
