I need to stop coming to work sober
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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