i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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