omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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