after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
