oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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