Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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