i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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