So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
it's like iHOP with fire
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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