I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
40s are totally the cure
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
