i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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