I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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