And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
