i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
