The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
