i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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