I wish my penis had an off switch
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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