Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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