Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
