Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
