apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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